Huh?

Isn't if funny how quick life can change? It's the theory of cause and effect playing out in real life. One thing happens, then another, then another....next thing you know your not sure of who you are or where you belong anymore.

All I know right now is that I hope some more things happen to help me find my way.

Hang in there Baby!!

When I named the title for this post, I was just thinking to myself. That's exactly what I need to do ~ just hang in there. STJ soon come!!

The last couple months pretty much sucked with my Nana and all but I've just be patiently waiting to go where my heart always is. Time was moving along and then BAM, the last week came.

Let's see, it's Fiscal Year End at work which means that I've not only had all my normal chaotic duties (still down two people) but also all the extra work that comes along with YE. The outside accounting firm is coming this Thursday to certify the books and it all has to be ready. Then, one of the two girls I have left on staff decided to take all last week off so that I can do her work too. Add in there a few doctor appointments for the kids, purging the files, packing, creating and printing wedding invitations for a friend, wash, etc. and you know why I'm freaken on the verge. The verge of what I don't know!

All I know is that in 72 hours I will be headed for the airport and WILL forget about all this crap for awhile:)

Living Life!

It's almost been a month since my Nana went on to a better place. Life keeps going, we keep living. Happy, sad, angry, or peaceful ~ it's our choice. I choose to make the best of my time here and that's what I'm doing.

So much has been happening in the past month...

Molly took her placement test for Millersville. She got her Student ID, her Millersville e-mail address, and is ready to move. "Now" she says. We purchased her prom dress two weeks ago. It's completely different than her past dresses. I told her to "go out of the box" since it was her senior year. She did!! I can't wait to show everyone this dress but she swore me to secrecy until she puts it on for the prom. Look for pictures in May.

Lillie is doing great! I am so proud of my pain-in-the-ass. She has managed to NOT have her teacher or principal call us in a long time. As a matter-of-fact, she has brought home many High Five Awards in the past couple weeks. One was a huge (8.5 X 11) award which got her an ice cream party with the Vice-Principal (we framed it and hung it in her room). Now she thinks she's best friends with both the Principal and Vice-Principal! This past Saturday she started taking roller skating lessons and Sunday was her first soccer practice. She also loves her Thursday nights at Girl Scouts. Busy, busy, busy. It keeps her out of trouble and me from beating her - hehehe.

My wonderful husband just had a birthday. A milestone birthday ~ the big 4-0. He's good. I threw him a party (thanks Wendy for all the help) and we had a great time. I should say I had a great time cuz he doesn't remember the last couple hours of it. Yes, my hubby was DRUNK!!!! But, he paid the next day and won't do that again anytime soon. You only turn 40 once. He told me the other day that he needed a wheel chair. I told him that he better get one that has a battery because I wasn't pushing his butt around. He looked sad, so I reminded him that he knew what he was marrying before he married it:)

Me???? Let's seeeeee....It's fiscal year end at work which means that I am crazy busy. I'm trying to get everything caught up before we leave on vacation.

Oh yes, VACATION!!! We are leaving in April for St. John (yes, I know we always go there). This will be the first time that we let one of our kids touch ground there. We are taking Molly for her graduation present. Corey (Jeff and Wendy's son) is also coming with since he will be home on pre-deployment leave. He's a Marine and scheduled to leave for Afghanistan in May. We all are so excited that he is coming with us. Molly and Corey are like bro/sis and I know they will have a great time. I am excited just to watch them have fun!!

Back to me...so work is busy, the kids are keeping me running around like a chicken, and I never have enough alone time with my man. Life is pretty much normal again. Thank God!

48 Hours Later

It's been 48 hours since my Nana left us. We have the funeral arrangements set. She will be buried Monday with a service and viewing before hand. Dawn picked her out a new nighty (blue) and I'm sure she will look beautiful.

Funny Story: A couple weeks I was talking with my Nana and Pop and she said something about when she died. I said to her "you want to be cremated, right Nana". She answered yes but my Pop said "I want to put you in a pretty nighty like you always wear". She looked at me and said "Whatever he wants to do with me is fine, what the hell do I care, I'll be dead".

So, as my Pop wanted she will go down in her pretty blue nighty.

One thing our family is blessed with is that we have each other. And, there are plenty of us. She left behind 4 children, 10 grandchilden, and 4 great-grandchilden. Everyone is coming to our house tonight to put together her pictures boards and to tell stories. Basically, just to be together. This is how we will get though this, together.

Nana

This morning at 7:55am my Nana was blessed and taken to Heaven. I got to be with her and kiss her one last time. She is at peace and so am I.

Nana's World

This past Monday we were forced to take Nana back into the hospital. She was dizzy, pretty out-it-it, and was slerring her speech.

She has yet another infection and her breathing is horrible. Her body is filling with Carbon Dioxide because she can't expell it through her lungs. They moved her to intensive care yesterday afternoon.

We have made a decision to stop all the madness and let her have her peace. At 5:30pm yesterday they removed all the electronics, wires, tubes, and plugs. They stopped all medications. The only thing she is receiving is Morphine and love.

I have been with her since the decision was made and I will remain with her until this nitemare is over. She was always there for me, I will do this one last thing for her. Please say a prayer for her.

This crap only happens to me!

So yesterday morning my Aunt comes over. As usual she makes her first stop in Lillie's room to see Remy. Remy is Lil's hampster. She just received Remy for her birthday so he's only been with us for 2 months. Remy's not moving - oh, shit!

I check him out and there he is laying on his side with his eye closed and breathing like a slee-stack (remember them from the Land of the Lost?). Anyway, the darn thing isn't moving and is obviously struggling to breathe. I told Lillie that Remy didn't look so good and we promptly left the house so Remy could die without Lil staring at him. She was sad.

We were gone for over 4 hours. We come home expecting to find that Remy has passed on to the big hampster cage in the sky but NNNNOOOOOO. He's still laying there breathing like a see-stack. Great! So, we wait a little longer and check on him now and then. He's still kickin'. WTF???

I finally couldn't stand seeing the little guy like this so I called our Vet Tech. I give her the 411 and she tells us that he is suffereing and we need to end his little life. Remember, this is Saturday early evening and the Vets office is closed. She is out getting her taxes done. So, the obvious question is:

Me: "How do I do that???"
Her: "Blunt force trama to the head"
Me: "I don't f***ken' think so"
Her: "Can Ed do it?"
Me: "Ed....can you....he said NO"
Her: "I'll be over after I drive to the office"

1.5 hourse later (and a drive to my Mom's to drop off Lille)........She comes on in. I take her to Remy and she checks him out. Yes, it's as bad as we thought. She diagnosis him with Heart Failure due to "really" high blood pressure. She explains..."you see his eye (the one facing down that we couldn't see), it's ruptured out of the socked. This happens when their blood pressure goes too high. The way he's breathing is because his lungs are building up with fluid because his heart isn't pumping correctly." Damn, she's smart. She pulls out a needle and does what she has to do. Remy went heaven. He's in the freezer in the garage awaiting a proper funeral. Great!?!

Now you tell me, who the hell has to call in a Vet Tech on a Saturday night to kill there freaken hampster????? Only me.

Clicks? Am I Click-y?

Ok, so how many of you have groups of friends that have nothing to do with another group of friends? Is that kind of strange? Do I have multiple personalities???? Am I "clicky"?

I have my family-friends, the motorcycle "gang", my high school peeps (only 2 but they still count), and then my forumities. If they are all my friends, then why are they not friends with each other? I guess the lines do cross now and then but for the most part they do not. And, I'm not sure I want them to.

My family and family-friends are the people in my life that have always been there ~ no matter what. Yeah they do piss me off from time to time but it doesn't matter. They're my family and I will be by their side till the end. They will be beside me, or I will kill um'. Ok, not reallly but you get what I'm saying.

Then you got my school peeps...like I said, only two but I love them to death. They kinda fit in with the description of my family-friends but yet they are in a catatgory of their own because they don't ever interact with the ff'ers. We spent many good times together and even though we don't talk or see each other much anymore, the good times pick up right were they left off when we do get together. It's great!

The motorcyle "gang". I like the word gang cuz it makes me feel so bad - hahaha. Anyway, these are the people that I spend most time with. A few them of them are actually in the ff catagory but I also see them at the club. We all have the love of riding our motorcycles in common and also the love of life. We live to the fullest and enjoy every moment we have together. They are the people your parents warned you about. They also are the people that would literally give you the shirt off their back, the last dollar in their pocket, and would (if truely necessary)lay down their life for you. No doubt in my mind that is true. You couldn't ask for a better group of people to call your friends.

Then there is my forumities. Ok, I'm sure you are asking what the hell is a forumity? Well, they are a group of friends that are, for the most part, non-existant. Non-existant to all of the other groups that is. To me, they are very real. I probably "talk" with them more than any other group I've mentioned. But, I've only ever really met a couple of them. No, there are NOT imaginary (at least not some of them, ha). They are my St. John internet friends. I AM NOT CRAZY. It all started out innocent enough when a few years ago I was looking at STJ stuff on the internet and found this forum. It's basically just a group of people from all over the world who talk about their love for STJ (and other stuff). If a newbie (new member) finds their way to forum, they can ask questions and all of us give them answers. That simple. Well, over the years you get to "know" these people. They become your friends. It's kind of strange but who cares. It's fun and I love um!

So my question is, when we're in high school we are part of "clicks". What about when your an adult. Are they still clicks? Or, do we as adults just realize that we can hang out with whomever we like?

Summer?

No, it's not summer but yesterday sure felt like it! It was a warm 55 degrees here in PA and after 3 weeks in the teens, it was awesome.

So, what else should a girl do when it's summer...I rode my motorcycle!!

We got a few peeps and rode to the Westie for lunch. After that, we rode to the club. Where else would we end up????

Anyway, it was a great day on the bikes. It was nice to get some fresh air and hang with my best friends. If there is one thing a motorcycle can do, it gives you friendships you will value for the rest of your life.

The Circus is in Town

I know it's been a while but here's a story for ya....Last night I went with Ed, Lisa, Dawn, Brian & Denise, and Mike and Lisa to Al's. For those of you who don't live around here, Al's is our local Strip Club.

It wasn't just an ordinary night at Al's. Lil' Sassy Cassy was the feature. Who you ask? Well, Lil' Sassy Cassy is a Midget Stripper. That's right a little person - who strips. All 2' 10" of her.

I like little people. They make me laugh. I have found through all of this that a lot of people are scared of little people. I guess they are kind of like clowns, you either love them or hate them. I "heart" midgets.

Anyway, I couldn't wait to go see Lil' Sassy Cassy and even invited all my peeps to come with. I was counting down the hours. Then the time came.....

We arrived at Al's and I proceeded to piss of the door lady. She just wasn't in a good mood I guess (It was her birthday). She called the bouncer on me to which I promptly had to bat my eyelashes and do some esplanin'. He let us in.

We found a spot at the corner bar and waited. I was impatiently waiting while the Captn' and Cokes were flowing. Then it was SHOW TIME!

Lil' Sassy came out on stage and I almost died. I just stood there with my girls (they guys were hiding back at the bar) with my mouth open in amazement. It wasn't funny. Well, maybe a little but not really. It was kind of disturbing.

Please read her height above (2' 10"). Now get a tape measure and check that out. I've seen plenty of midgets before. They usually come up to your waist or a little higher. She 2' 10". She looked like a baby. Like a tiny child. She was running around on the stage doing cartwheels, humping the floor, shoving her ass in guys faces and she looked like a baby girl. DISTURBING!!! The best vision I can give you is the Ohga Chaka Baby. Do you remember the Ohga Chaka Baby from Ally McBeal? That's shat she looked like!

There were two things that were funny: 1) When she climbed the pole. She climbed it with her legs straight out and her feet on the pole. She looked just like a money. She was up that pole in 3 seconds flat. She's an excellent climber! and 2) Denise. Denise decided to give Lil' Sassy Cassy a dollar. She put it down her shirt and Cassy got it with her teeth! Now that was funny - or disterbing...I'm not sure.

Anyway, soon Cassy was done. Her show was over - THANK GOD! I never want to see that again. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I went. I truely believe that everyone should spend $12 to see a midge strip just once before they die. I have done so. Cross it off my bucket list!

Phone Bling

I've been working with Crystal Icing to bling my phone. They glue crystals on your phone to creat a design. I did a custom pic and they helped me with the background. After what felt like months of waiting, I got my phone today. I LOVE IT!!!

Some days just SUCK

Since I just started this blog a short time ago, I didn't get very far with introducing you to my family. I gave you the main cast of characters in my house hold but have not made it to those who have been with me for my whole life.

Anyone who has held more than a 10 minute conversation with me knows that I was raised by my Grandparents. My Nana and Pop. They're just good people. The loved me unconditionally my entire life. They stood by me when they probably shouldn't have. They never wavered one bit.

My Pop is just a softy. He gave me everything I ever wanted. He gave everyone everything they wanted. He still does. That is just the kind of man he is. I believe that one day he will be up for Saint-hood or something. If not, he should be.

My Nana. This is who this post is really about. She's sick. I'm sad. I think I'm beyond sad.

I'll give you some history on my Nana. She's a bitch. Don't get me wrong, I say that will the utmost respect and love for her. But, she is a bitch. She would laugh if she read this and also probably say thank you as well. She's proud of her status in our family. We all know she wears the pants.

Growing up we could get away with anything but not without her bitching at us. She just bitches. She doesn't talk, she bitches. That's my Nana.

I walk in the room and she looks at me. She usually makes a comment that goes something like "what did you do to your hair" or "your bangs are too long, you need a haircut" or "what are you wearing". I guess that if your not raised like that you would be hurt by what she said but I just learned to stand tall and say "I dyed it purple, don't you like it?". She'll roll her eyes to show her disapproval and we're on to the next subject. Purple hair and all.

I have countless stories I could tell you that would make you laugh your ass off. She threw a glass at me one time and hit me in the back of the head. If you think that's bad, you should hear what I did to deserve it. And, deserve it I did! Her favorite saying is "Your ass sucks carpet tacks". Can anyone even begin to tell me what that means because after 38 years I still have no idea.

For all her tough exterior, she is the one who took me in and raised me after all her kids were grown. She was the caretaker when I was sick. She was the one that took me in a room at 10 years old and told me my Daddy died. She just hugged me and cried with me. She is the rock our family is build on. She is the one that I can only aspire to be like.

Nana has never been in great health. She is diabetic, has had a triple by-pass, has had her illiac artery replaced and has had 7 of her toes amputated. Her health has been worse for the last couple of years and she really wasn't very mobile anymore. Then came Nov. 4th. She went to a doctors appointment and fell. She broke her ankle. I knew this was going to be bad.

They did surgery and put in some screws, rods, and plates. They did what they could to give her a chance at walking again. It didn't work. After several weeks, the skin on the ankle basically disintegrated and she was left with a open wound. Not good for diabetics. It's just gotten progressively worse since then. One by one her organs are failing her.....and me.

Today the doctor told me that there is nothing more than can do for her. Her lungs are failing, her heart is giving out. She won't survive a surgery to save her. I followed through on my responsibilities and called each of my family members and told them. The hard part hadn't even begun yet. You see, my Nana and Pop were sitting in the hospital waiting for me. Waiting for me to tell them what was next.

I had to go in there and tell them that there was no next. There was no more to do. She knew. She knew as soon as she seen me. That's just the way she is, she always knows. Pop didn't. I had to tell my poor Poppie that there was nothing more the doctors could do to help his wife. That time was all he had and it wasn't on his side.

I did what I had to do and remained calm doing it. But I'm not calm now. I don't want to be calm. I want to yell at someone and make them fix her. They just need to fix her. I'm not ready for this. I don't want her to leave me. She's my Nana and every girl needs her Nana. I need her to bitch at me. I'd give anything to have her well enough to yell at me right now. I'm not ready to take on this world knowing that I can't go home to her. I love my Nana and I don't want her to go.

New Years Eve

Welcome 2009!!!!

We spent our New Years with great friends at the Motorcycle Club. Here's a few pics worth a thousand words ~ hehehe